Endless thoughts

This is going to be long, boring, frustrated, maybe thought provoking and has the potential to make anyone suicidal. So, read at your own risk! One thing for sure, you won't find a confused guy ever like me! You're free to call me a psychopath also, guess that would be the right word for me!

The thing I think about the most is future, what am I going to do? What will I be? After getting the possible answers, I don't feel like living, I feel like being a kid. As I write, I feel like spending time with kids in some orphanage would be an ideal thing for me. Now I am blank! I really don't want to become something I dislike to become but society has so much influence on a person's mind that even the strong willed people get drowned!

You might say that I am trying to run away from responsibility, well yes I am to a good extent! When I say responsibility, it means working half the day in office and leaving 1/6th of the day for your family and the rest for your dreams! My life is not that. I would spend most of the time on something that I love. I would love to spend half of the time with my family and 1/6th of the time in a job.

Look at me, did I just talk about family. Damn, I speak lot of crap! When I started writing this blog, I had in mind that I am never going to get married and now, just now I was talking about marriage. I am blank again, waiting for something to come in my mind so that I can resume my blabbering.

Yeah, I said I want to be kid all my life but if I don't do any job, it would mean I won't have money and this is where the suicidal tendencies in me comes from. Believe me, its a damn good feeling! I also have an idea about the age I will probably commit suicide, it must be around 25, maybe earlier than that, I don't know. As of now I don't see any possible way to cross 25.

You might say what happened to Old Trafford dream, guess its over. I love Man Utd and the love won't change if I visit Old Trafford or not. Yeah it will be great if I do, not sure if that will be pleasure or happiness but the thought of me being at Streetford End doesn't excite me much as much as it excites me when I see Utd play on T.V. Hypothetical scenario, can't say anything until and unless I am there!

Another thought that rules is what will happen after my death? There are very few people in the whole world who will be affected by my death, I can count them. I am sure they will be sad and broken, but that doesn't stop my suicidal tendencies! I know it won't affect 'me' in any way, I would be dust without feelings after death. I don't feel like living for them either, don't know why! As far as my nephew is concerned, he is young, it won't make any difference to him. I might make a difference to his life but somewhere I guess I am a selfish brat!

This part I am writing after 2 days and damn, I ain't a bit selfish now, its like I am not living for myself, I am like living for others, to help others and to make others happy, to give others company, doesn't matter if that means me getting screwed up! Ahhhh..... I just hope I remain same forever!

Today morning my mom said me when I woke up around 11 that we are going out for lunch. I wasn't in any mood to go out after what she did to me last night! Around 12 I cried, yeah after many months the tears actually came out! A little later I said fine, lets go. I have no idea why I did that! I had lunch and came back home, no complaints what so ever from my side!

I should end here with some positivity. Good thing is that I have stopped thinking, I have found a reason to live or should I say few reasons? Well yeah, you guys top the list, its for your guys reading this and also all the friends I have that I am living. I am living for my nephew and nieces also. Maybe someday, I will live for myself, waiting for that day to come. It will come, it will be the day I errr.... used that word lot of times so you can guess it!

I just finished writing a meaningless, frustrated and incomplete blog!