Expectations kill!

Its human nature to expect something. Be it be marks from exam or how the other people will behave with you. Expecting what you will get as a gift and expecting what you will get from your boss after doing a good job.

I also used to expect until it really fucked up my life. I expected to get good marks, I expected my friends to understand me, I expected my parents to buy me things and when expectations were not fulfilled, bang, things went bad. One time it went worse!

Why do we need to expect at all? I left expecting things and got to hear its a pessimistic approach. How is that pessimistic? Will my expecting something bring a change to what I am going to get? It will never! Moreover, if I expect to get a condom on my birthday and I get it, it will be so normal. The element of surprise to make me happy will be missing!

Expectations can land you in lot of trouble, say you're expecting your friend to save your ass when you have been caught doing something illegal and the friend doesn't help you then you are watching him as a villain, you're blind towards what might be going in his mind, you're not at all seeing his side, the difficulties he has in helping you. You're taking your friend for granted! He has is ethics, why should he be acting on your expectations?

Expecting good marks also never helps for you're never going to get it, well most of you! You expect to get 60 and you get 40, you're sad, you expect nothing and you get 40, its like you have got something! Even if you get 60 after expecting 60, it will be like a normal thing for you, yeah I have expected this, you won't be that happy!

I have left expecting about 2 years back and everyday I get surprised, everyday I feel yeah something new happened. Life has been fun this way!

Meaningless

When people feel bad or they are sad, when people are down, they talk to other people, many talk to me and after a some time they feel light, they feel good, some feel relieved, some thank me for listening to them. As far as I am concerned, I feel good when they say that they are feeling better. I feel good as I have somehow brought smile to a face. I feel good for doing this.

But, when its my turn, when I am down, when I am in a terrible condition, I prefer to stay away, I prefer not to talk about it to people, thinking that my talking to them might make them sad, thinking they might be not at all interested in listening to crap, thinking some might become confused after they find out what a confusing creature I am. Maybe some might not provide any kind of support at all, maybe some will make my condition worse.

And there I go, always going through the tough road, talking to myself for endless hours and then coming up with some kind of solution! Sometimes, solutions never come and that bugs me a lot, yet my mind says not to trouble others, I suck!

Suicidal Tendencies!

People who have known me know that I get suicidal at times, maybe frequently! Bad? I don't think so! For people who know me really well also know that I am not going to to that crazy thing. The thought of actually doing it is completely out of the mind!

I get suicidal maybe for some reason and sometimes just for the sake of it. Others might be tensed at this but please for the sake of devil, don't be. I enjoy these moments, some sadistic pleasure I get out of it. Today I was thinking if there is anything positive I get out of it. You might be thinking that what can such a pessimistic thing provide a positive side. Surprisingly it provided me many.

The first positive thing I came to know of is fearless attitude! Just after getting out of a suicidal attack, I am like a fearless person, as if anything happens, it doesn't really matter. For me to survive, this is very important as I screw things a lot. So, to live a healthy life I need to have this fearless nature and suicidal tendencies provide me that in plenty!

The next thing that it provides is a sense of living for the moment, no matter if tomorrow comes or not! This is also very essential for me to enjoy life, only after coming out of suicidal thinking that I realize I need to live it for the moment, for what I have now, doesn't matter if its going to be there tomorrow or not, I need to enjoy it. Same is with life, it won't be there tomorrow but now, just live it!

Another thing that it does is it take off the expectation level from myself, its good as expectations kill. Everyday is like a victory if you don't have any expectation, every day you seem to win something! Everyday its like something new and there is no stagnant thing.

Quite a few advantages and seems like I need to get suicidal more often to get the most out of this mysterious and funny thing called life!